Tag Archives: parenting

‘Instant’ is the third enemy of parenting

I still remember having a thick book that I ‘d looked for when I learn new english word. It takes times to translate even a single sentence. Now with Google and wikipedia within my mobile, I don’t think I would buy any dictionary nor encyclopedia. It takes less than 1second to get answers in google.

Instant – has kill patience. Process is become less important, and result is the main product. Process was taken over by technology. Technology will do the repeated process and do it faster than human. Finally, human does not understand and forget the beauty of process, he want a fast and good result in everything.

I remembered being asked by a father, what result I got for sending my big boy to preschool. It need times for me to answer that question. I never set any target and I just believe that the school would give better stimulus than his babysitter (since I was working at that time). For God sake, it’s not even kindergarden, and parent do expect clear result of school.

I found several reading tutors who guarantee my child will be able to master reading and writing within few weeks. How can that complex skill was mastered in such as short period? It turn out that capability to spell is different with reading in contextual. Children can read, but he can not understand what he read and he maybe hate to do it too.

Instant maybe good in industry, business, and other area, but not parenting. Why?
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Fear is the second enemy of parenting -part 2 (comparing)

I dont know if it’s just me, but It’s always drive me crazy when I saw other kid at the same age with Fab, can do certain skill that Fab has not mastered yet. The worst when it come with reading and writing, the most unappealling skill for Fab. Even a 4 years old daugther of my friend has mastered it from her school activities, while I’ve tried everything for Fab until now at his 6th. Montessorri ways, flash card, labelling our things at home, mix reading with physical activities, extralesson on reading and all other ways that I can think of or read. It’s useless, I can not make reading a fun thing to be learned and I really don’t want to force him to do it because it can kill his interest for reading. He will hate reading and that is the last thing I want to be happened.

It is not happened only with reading, parents do compare their child for how he talk, behave, draw, and everything else. Maybe it is our nature to see the weakness of our child, and focus on it. So when we see other can do it, we can spot it easily and we afraid that we have done something wrong. We rarely gave compliment for other skills that he has mastered because we take it for granted.
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Fear is the second enemy of parenting part1

Fear cam be in several form, the first one is Avoid any accident

Don’t run! Don’t touch that pan! Don’t play with that dirty thing! Be carefull! — Have you ever count how many times do you say those statement to your child? Suddenly, a mom has turn to be a security officer, constantly in alert condition and must have an eagle eye to look for any danger that come near. Sometime we are so paranoid with the small things.

It is a default reflect for a mom or dad to protect her/his kid by avoiding problems. However, according to brain study, what the parent do is actually prevent a learning to happen. Tony Buzan explain in his book Child Brain, that a child is learning by Trial, Event, Feedback, Check, Adjust, Check (TEFCAS). When you tell your child not to run, he actually do not learn that running might be danger. Until he felt the hurt of bruise, he actually did not learn the true consequence of running, except your scream. Maybe that’s why we often say “How many times do I have to told you not to…”, “Dont you ever learn that…. Is danger?”
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Mastering emotion intelligence is the first thing parent should learn

I am so confused with this parenting advice: “gently firm” to encourage positive dicipline. How to be firm and gentle at the same time? I always end up with cruel firm or be gentle and forgot the rule. Because I see how consistency fruit is really good, I mostly choose to be firm. That decision gave a lot of crying, yelling and anger in my child.

Know what I do? I just let it be happened and wait until it’s over. When my mood is not good, I easily lost my logic and then anger control my word. I scream to him, give a hard look and grab him to do what I ask. Even worst if he did not do it, I threat him from minor punishment like took his toy, put him in bedroom alone, to major one like no TV, no Ipad, and no talking with me that day.

When the process is over, I usually fill with guilt. I felt I was the worst mom and it hurt my heart to see him cry out loud.  The best thing I can do is to say sorry. I look at his eye, truly said sorry and tell him why I did that. Hopefully he did not repeat it next time.

I thought O, Jesus , It’s so hard to be a mom.
Is it what happened to you too?
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Anger is the first enemy of parenting.

Anger.
All human have this emotion, to protect themselve whenever a “danger” situation is happened. Anger was designed to prepare human to either to attack/fight, to run/fly or to freeze. It realease the hormon that trigger blood to run faster so all the muscle are prepared to do actions in short time. When anger is raised, body is at the prime condition to hit, kick and all the violances it needed. Therefore, it somehow block the “logic”part of brain to work, and made human to act by instinct, not logic anymore.

Can you imagine how this emotion in modern era where a life-threat situation is rarely happened? Anger still do the same thing, it prepare human to war. But with who? With the person around them, their collegue, partner, bos, neighbor, spouse especially their children.

Why?
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Your child is what you’re thinking they will be

There are times when I was so mess up with my children. My children do exactly what I don’t want them to do. Fabian keep his bossy behavior, he use anger as a tool to get what he want. Any small wrong thing will evoke his anger and shout. He also quit at things that he find difficult to do. At that time my mind was full of negativity. I saw my my little boy as a grumpy quitter little boy. No matter what I do, it did not make any difference with his behaviour.

At the same time, my little girl reach her terrible two. She was turned from little angel into a beast little girl who cried and shouted most of the time. It just grow my negative mind to the worst level. I saw my little girl as a rebel girl. She continued with that behaviour.

I was so upset that I just break down and cried.

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The seven stages of motherhood

The first year with my cute little boy has been the most interesting time in my whole life. I had never felt so much emotion changes and physical challenges in such short period. Happy,frustrate,confuse,exciting, restless,angry,upset,love,and all the other feelings that a human being has mix into one. I found lots of personality changes in my life that I didn’t realized before.

Then, I read a book from my friend, “The seven stages of motherhood, making the most of your life as a Mum” by Ann Pleshette Murphy. My friend said that she chose this book for me because it will be applicable for the next seventeen years.Amazingly, I found this book describe exactly what I feel during my pregnancy and 1st year of motherhood. That’s makes me want to read all the content, with a hope that I will find a hint of what challenge that I will face in the next period and what is the tips/clues from other mother who has past that stage.

The writer herself has gone through all the stages she describe in the book and has lots of story about other new mum. It makes the book as a trustful and reliable source.

In this post, I will describe all the stages first and what the time frame are. I myself will read it slowly and accordingly with my son development. In next post, I’ll write all the interesting things I found there.
Stage 1
Altered states
Pregnancy, The birth and the Fourth Trimester
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