Take it too seriously?

Raise in industry era has made me the best “follower”student. Understand the rules, practises until I master it, compete with peer, trying to get the best grade in the class. This system has made me understand lots of things, but without enthusiasm to look further, to questioning and make a better one than the one was shown. I just lost the capability to innovate, to invent something new and better. One of the skill that is crucial in my work years later.

But the worst part is that I forgot to have fun in life. I was too serious in everything I do even in daily life. I set target for myself, sometimes even higher than others. I plan everything before I start. It make me save from failure. The worst dream for a perfect “industrial” student. I am bad at handling failure. I had not had enough experiences in failure. My junior time are full success in getting good mark. It did boost my confident to solve problems that I had previously, but not the unknown ones.

Luckily, I found the best job for me, that fit my capability and interest. I made me enjoy of doing it and felt as it was not a job. It become challanging as I began to lead other collegues, I realized that leadership is not only command and control and every person is different. I remember how frustruate I was to see someone who could not do such a simple task for me. At the same time, I gave birth to my first child. It was the most precious and the most frustruate time for me.

My son presence is one of the most unstructure event my life. He was not sleep at night, he cried all the time, everything about him is shocking me a lot. As he grown, things were even messier. No matter how well I plan and anticipate, I couldn’t get on time to my office. I remember my guilt for my son and my office at the same time. 24 hours a day is just not enough.

After struggle for few years I gave up my beloved job. I don’t want to regret, since my children only have one childhood. While I might have another chance to pursue my career.

As a full time mom, I might be one of the worst. I keep looking for the best practices, the best method of raising my children. I try one way, review it, try another way. I read lots of parenting and self improvement books. I was so frustruated to find out that there is no “best”way to educate my children.

The more I read, the more I understand that human is unique. One way is might be worked for sone children, but not other children. There are no fixed formula for raising a success person. It’s not like kumon marketing said “math +english=success”.

I was too serious to find the magic method, that I forget to have fun in the process. Raising a child is not about the result. It’s about the process. The real result might be seen in couple more years as my children turn to be adult. As I worried a lot whether I had made mistakes or not, my children look at me as a stiff person, who always tense and worried about things. My son even said that I always angry and mad at him. I thought I just persistence to my rules, while my son start to questioning whether I love him or not.

Madeline levine in her book”teach your children well” reminds me that yes our parenting style greatly affects our children, but, many other factors do as well. It means our children can be at risk in ways we can’t even forsee. How Frustuating it is!

Our children are not exclusively ours for long. So we better to be present with the child right in front of us rather than being overly focused on the future. Family time is precious and unrecoverable.

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