I see myself in my children

I had read a lot of parenting books. Most of them had the convincing proof that their way is the best way to raise a child. Though I found it is very hard to applied all those theories in daily life.

The more I read and the more I tried to make my parenting better, I was faced with new and more challenging problems.

I even think, is it possible that those parenting knowledge is useless? It does little or none effect to my children.

Then, a friend of mine said that it is true. she had read in one of her books that the way we live ourlife life is more Likely to affecting the child (Brene Brown). Then, why bother to learn parenting.

Some how it does not sound true. I believe good parenting does make a lot of differences in a child future. But which one is “good” parenting style?

I guess, there is no silver bullet in parenting. We are dealing with human development. It should be organic, rather than procedural. Just like gardening, the same seed, the same procedure, could grown differently. There are too many factors that involved, culture, social economy, school curicullum, no of children, parent’s education, etc.

What Brene brown said made me realized that parenting is not only a child development. It’s both parent and child development.

When fabian reach his 6, I was so surprised with the fact how similar he is with me and my husband. All those early years,turn out to be the moment he capture his entire environment and record them in his subconscious mind.

I then realized, that my son is a mirror of me. When I see a bad behaviour in him, I see it in myself. If I want him to change it, I have to change myself first.

It’s like having an assessment tool for your own personal development. If you manage to make yourself better, you can see it through your child. He/ she will replicate what you did and how you can develop yourself.

For me sometimes, by describing what I’m trying to do to my son, I remind myself to not do the same mistakes and guide my son to understand the process i’ve tried.

For example, I get upset easily when things run not as I planned. I used to explode with anger and sometimes do stupid things. This bad habit has been reduced since I learn emotion intelligence, but it’s really hard to be eliminated.

Now my son has similar attitude, he explode with anger easily. I now explaining emotional intelligence to him. It does improve his attitude. I guess I have to applied it to myself more often, so he can copy it.

I really think that raising a child is really the best way to make someone more mature.

The “Goal” does matter

I was quite surprised by my own action entering my big boy to kumon when he reach his first grade. I did not believe with the way Kumon was designed, I think it was boring and unattractive way to learn. I doubt it can actually made a child understand, it just made them memorized the material without the curiosity that trigger learning  However, I did it anyway.

My first motivation is to give him proper worksheet for him to practise his reading and writing. I used to made it everyday for him, with pictures and theme that he like. I found

The “Goal” does matter

I was quite surprised by my own action entering my big boy to kumon when he reach his first grade. I did not believe with the way Kumon was designed, I think it was boring and unattractive way to learn. I doubt it can actually made a child understand, it just made them memorized the material without the curiosity that trigger learning  However, I did it anyway.

My first motivation is to give him proper worksheet for him to practise his reading and writing.

Constructive learning- Highscope parent workshop 22 august 2013 – Medan

I just understand what it means by “constructive learning” in this session of parent workshop. Highscope believe that it is the best way to prepare the future leader. I do believe that the traditional way of learning is not enough for my children future challanges. That’s how I were raised. But I have no idea what the better way to do it either.

When I choose Highscope for Fab, it seems to offer the “personalized” education that I do believe will give opportunities for my child to find his passion. I’ve read linchpin that describe that we are no longer in “industrial era”. Sir Ken Robinson point out that finding the element will give meaning to life. Plus Rene Suhardono, the career coach in hardrock FM proposed that everyone should find their passion. It will be great if I could help my children to find their passion in their early years. They could get the 10000 hours practice that “outlier” said to master anything before they graduate university. They surely have a wonderful life ahead of them.

Along the way, I saw how my son develop. He is the kind of boy who can not stop moving. He can’t control his body. Reading and writing is the least thing he want to do, because it require him to sit down and still. I was quite stress with the fact that all other elementary schools in my area require first grade student to be able to read and write as a submission test. I guess only Highscope who believe that each child will get skill soon or later, and it is ok for 1grade to not master reading amd writing.

I am not the only parent that worry about it. I saw many parents in Highscope gave their child extra lesson after school. I really believe that reading should be fun, because it opened my mind with lots if knowledge. I want my children to love reading, so I avoid to force them to learn it with pain. I tried many ways that finally I gave up and made Fab do the english kumon. Simply because it gives exercises he need to practise. I can made it, but it make me overwhelm to create those exercises everyday.

So I thought what is Highscope trying to do? Is it being permissive with the child?
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‘Instant’ is the third enemy of parenting

I still remember having a thick book that I ‘d looked for when I learn new english word. It takes times to translate even a single sentence. Now with Google and wikipedia within my mobile, I don’t think I would buy any dictionary nor encyclopedia. It takes less than 1second to get answers in google.

Instant – has kill patience. Process is become less important, and result is the main product. Process was taken over by technology. Technology will do the repeated process and do it faster than human. Finally, human does not understand and forget the beauty of process, he want a fast and good result in everything.

I remembered being asked by a father, what result I got for sending my big boy to preschool. It need times for me to answer that question. I never set any target and I just believe that the school would give better stimulus than his babysitter (since I was working at that time). For God sake, it’s not even kindergarden, and parent do expect clear result of school.

I found several reading tutors who guarantee my child will be able to master reading and writing within few weeks. How can that complex skill was mastered in such as short period? It turn out that capability to spell is different with reading in contextual. Children can read, but he can not understand what he read and he maybe hate to do it too.

Instant maybe good in industry, business, and other area, but not parenting. Why?
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Fear is the second enemy of parenting -part 2 (comparing)

I dont know if it’s just me, but It’s always drive me crazy when I saw other kid at the same age with Fab, can do certain skill that Fab has not mastered yet. The worst when it come with reading and writing, the most unappealling skill for Fab. Even a 4 years old daugther of my friend has mastered it from her school activities, while I’ve tried everything for Fab until now at his 6th. Montessorri ways, flash card, labelling our things at home, mix reading with physical activities, extralesson on reading and all other ways that I can think of or read. It’s useless, I can not make reading a fun thing to be learned and I really don’t want to force him to do it because it can kill his interest for reading. He will hate reading and that is the last thing I want to be happened.

It is not happened only with reading, parents do compare their child for how he talk, behave, draw, and everything else. Maybe it is our nature to see the weakness of our child, and focus on it. So when we see other can do it, we can spot it easily and we afraid that we have done something wrong. We rarely gave compliment for other skills that he has mastered because we take it for granted.
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Fear is the second enemy of parenting -part 2 (comparing)


Fear is the second enemy of parenting part1

Fear cam be in several form, the first one is Avoid any accident

Don’t run! Don’t touch that pan! Don’t play with that dirty thing! Be carefull! — Have you ever count how many times do you say those statement to your child? Suddenly, a mom has turn to be a security officer, constantly in alert condition and must have an eagle eye to look for any danger that come near. Sometime we are so paranoid with the small things.

It is a default reflect for a mom or dad to protect her/his kid by avoiding problems. However, according to brain study, what the parent do is actually prevent a learning to happen. Tony Buzan explain in his book Child Brain, that a child is learning by Trial, Event, Feedback, Check, Adjust, Check (TEFCAS). When you tell your child not to run, he actually do not learn that running might be danger. Until he felt the hurt of bruise, he actually did not learn the true consequence of running, except your scream. Maybe that’s why we often say “How many times do I have to told you not to…”, “Dont you ever learn that…. Is danger?”
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Mastering emotion intelligence is the first thing parent should learn

I am so confused with this parenting advice: “gently firm” to encourage positive dicipline. How to be firm and gentle at the same time? I always end up with cruel firm or be gentle and forgot the rule. Because I see how consistency fruit is really good, I mostly choose to be firm. That decision gave a lot of crying, yelling and anger in my child.

Know what I do? I just let it be happened and wait until it’s over. When my mood is not good, I easily lost my logic and then anger control my word. I scream to him, give a hard look and grab him to do what I ask. Even worst if he did not do it, I threat him from minor punishment like took his toy, put him in bedroom alone, to major one like no TV, no Ipad, and no talking with me that day.

When the process is over, I usually fill with guilt. I felt I was the worst mom and it hurt my heart to see him cry out loud.  The best thing I can do is to say sorry. I look at his eye, truly said sorry and tell him why I did that. Hopefully he did not repeat it next time.

I thought O, Jesus , It’s so hard to be a mom.
Is it what happened to you too?
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Anger is the first enemy of parenting.

All human have this emotion, to protect themselve whenever a “danger” situation is happened. Anger was designed to prepare human to either to attack/fight, to run/fly or to freeze. It realease the hormon that trigger blood to run faster so all the muscle are prepared to do actions in short time. When anger is raised, body is at the prime condition to hit, kick and all the violances it needed. Therefore, it somehow block the “logic”part of brain to work, and made human to act by instinct, not logic anymore.

Can you imagine how this emotion in modern era where a life-threat situation is rarely happened? Anger still do the same thing, it prepare human to war. But with who? With the person around them, their collegue, partner, bos, neighbor, spouse especially their children.

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